As a student I had the misfortune of having a soccer coach who ascended straight from the bowels of hell to help coach our team out of its 2-18 season, we will call him “Mark”. Mark was an asshole. Surprisingly, the salary of a perpetually loosing assistant soccer coach was not enough to make a living. To compensate he took a job writing for a local paper as a sports editor. Larry sent him an email, and it went something like this:
Everything you read below is the actual, unaltered email exchange between Larry and “Mark”
To: Mark
From: Larry Yolak
Date: 13 JUNE 2011 10:14 AM
Subject: Gymnastics Story Lead
Dear Mark,
I have been reading the [newspaper name removed] for 4 years now and I find myself searching for your articles every time a new edition comes out. I recently saw that you are in dire need of sports-related story leads for your column. As it happens, my neighbor will be competing in the 2012 Paralympic’s in London. She has been quite reluctant to reveal her name to the public as she is somewhat shy, but she has agreed that an article in her home town newspaper may help her rally some support. Let me know if this is something you are interested in.
Regards,
Larry Yolak
To: Larry Yolak
From: Mark
Date: 13 JUNE 2011 2:02 PM
Subject: Re: Gymnastics Story Lead
I will check with my editor to see if this is a credible story to pursue.
Mark
After 3 days and no response I began to give up hope. This is a relatively small town, nobody would be stupid enough to believe an Olympic athlete had been living in hiding for 15 years. Fortunately, Mark is retarded:
To: Larry Yolak
From:Mark
Date: 16 JUNE 2011 9:27 AM
Subject: Gymnast
I have approval from my editor to write a half page spread on your neighbor. I will need more information about her athletic history achievements sponsorship academic and disability. When are you available to meet. My office is located at [address removed].
To: Mark
From: Larry Yolak
Date: 16 JUNE 2011 3:46 PM
Subject: Re: Gymnast
Mark,
Despite your insufferable lack of commas and horrid grammar I would be pleased to provide you with the information you requested. Unfortunately I am unable to arrange a daytime meeting with you as I work the night shift packaging Purina Dog-Chow until the early morning hours. I do not own any dogs but I find that I rather enjoy the smell of the food they eat, have you ever tried bacon flavored dog treats Mark? I assure you they are harmless. Purina has a rather strict policy on eating any of the food off the conveyor belts as they want to avoid any contamination, but honestly, who are they kidding. We’re talking about dogs here, they eat their own shit for christ’s sake.
Regards,
Larry Yolak
To: Larry Yolak
From: Mark
Date: 16 JUNE 2011 4:12 PM
Subject: Re: Re: Gymnast
I abbreviate my sentences in emails to get them out faster I use proper editing in my articles. If we cannot meet in person you will need to email me her background and contact information so I can set up a meeting with her. Please only email me relevant details because I am very busy with other stories.
Thanks,
Mark
To: Mark
From: Larry Yolak
Date: 17 JUNE 2011 11:50 AM
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Gymnast
Mark,
My apologies. I should have realized that a local reporter covering high school sports in an area roughly the size of a bowling alley is probably swamped with events to cover. I promise to provide only the most important details in my correspondence.
My neighbors name is Meghan Floyd and she is missing both her left leg and right arm. She is 15 years old and competes in all of the events. I call her “Stumps” because she likes tree stumps, but you should probably just call her Meghan. I’ve known her a long time so we have funny little jokes like that ha ha. I would advise you to not make direct eye contact with her as she has been known to bite. This anger likely stems from people staring and calling her names like “Stumps”.
Regards,
Larry Yolak
To: Larry Yolak
From: Mark
Date: 17 JUNE 2011 12:48 PM
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Gymnast
if you think this is some kind of joke and you can just send me fake shit than i will report this to my editor and it will be the end. i do not know if you are mocking me or what but if you dont give me the accurate information i am not writing this story. i have many important to do so stop wasting time.
To: Mark
From: Larry Yolak
Date: 17 JUNE 2011 1:35 PM
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Gymnast
Mark,
If you are implying that I would fabricate a story about a Paralympic athlete than I am both offended and sickened. I would have to be some sort of monster to take time out of my day to construct these emails out of nothing.
As for wasting your time, rest assured nobody understands “the many important to do” that you deal with on a daily basis as bi-weekly columnist in a semi-monthly publication more than I do. As an engineer I recognize the importance of a communications major such as yourself. Why, without your skills how would we have things like People Magazine and Keeping Up with the Kardashians? Shit, I just help makes bridges safe. Umm, hello, monkeys can do that!
I think we are missing the point here. This is supposed to be about Meghan. She may be missing both her legs but she is one hell of an athlete. What else would you like to know about her?
Regards,
Larry Yolak
To: Larry Yolak
From: Mark
Date: 17 JUNE 2011 2:09 PM
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Gymnast
yeh funny one asshole you said she is missing and arm and a leg and then you say she is missing both her legs now i know your a liar my editor is reading all this scumbag.
To: Mark
From: Larry Yolak
Date: 17 JUNE 2011 2:43 PM
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Gymnast
Mark,
That is correct, Meghan is missing both her arms.
Regards,
Larry Yolak
To: Larry Yolak
From: Mark
Date: 17 JUNE 2011 3:28 PM
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Gymnast
fuck you im rporting all of this email to my editor and it will go to the police. think its funny to makes jokes about disabld people or to waste my time well now you can pay for it. go fuck yourself see you in jail
To: Mark
From: Larry Yolak
Date: 17 JUNE 2011 4:49 PM
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Gymnast
Mark,
I have to admit I am slightly concerned that you have relayed my messages to your editor. For him to be in charge of you I would assume he has passed at least the 8th grade. I will have to adjust my vocabulary accordingly. I trust his vast knowledge of all things written will have no problem deciphering your emails, despite the fact that they are beginning to sound like the incoherent ramblings of a cerebral palsy patient.
Regards,
Larry Yolak
To: Larry Yolak
From: Mark
Date: 17 JUNE 2011 5:14 PM
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Gymnast
fuck you fucking asshole i knew this was fake from the beginning
To: Mark
From: Larry Yolak
Date: 18 JUNE 2011 9:37 AM
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Gymnast
