In January of 2011 I decided to create a fake email to wreak havoc on them internets, and thus Larry Yolak was born. I experimented first with a local Subaru dealership. I didn’t post full names cause that would be retarded. The following is the actual email converation that occured:
To: Larry Yolak
From: Shawn
Date: 06 JAN 2011 8:50 AM
Subject: 2011 Forester @ Faulkner Subaru
Hello Larry,
Thank you for your interest in a 2011 Forester. I understand that you have some questions about the Forester. How can I help you?
Best Regards,
Shawn
To: Shawn
From: Larry Yolak
Date: 07 JAN 2011 9:25 PM
Subject: Re: 2011 Forester @ Faulkner Subaru
Shawn,
I apologize for my delayed response. You see, I am currently in Panama on an expired visa helping out the less fortunate to satisfy my community service hours. It will be best to contact me by email as I will be unable to access a phone for the next 2 weeks. I would like to gather as much information as possible to ensure I will be able to make an informed decision once I return home. I appreciate your enthusiasm towards my inquiry, and I do have a few questions.
While cosmetics are not a primary concern for me, the available colors on the 2011 Forester are of some importance. I was hoping you would enlighten me as to which hues the vehicle comes in this year. I might mention that as a child I had an unfortunate run-in with a substantially large bear while on vacation in Yosemite Valley. Needless to say the experience has scarred me (literally) and thus any dark browns are simply out of the question. In addition, I plan on using the vehicle for family camping trips. For this reason I would like to avoid dark greens as I fear it may blend with the woodland backdrop thus leading me to loose the car. I have made this mistake once and I can assure you I will never purchase a ‘forest green’ Jeep Wrangler again.
Regards,
Larry Yolak
To: Larry Yolak
From: Shawn
Date: 10 JAN 2011 9:15 AM
Subject: Re: 2011 Forester @ Faulkner Subaru
Larry,
The 2011 Forester comes in the following colors:
satin white pearl
sparkling silver metallic
steel silver metallic
sky blue metallic
marine blue pearl
sage green metallic
paprika red pearl
camellia red pearl
dark gray metallic
obsidian black pearl
If you have any other questions, please let me know.
-Shawn
To: Shawn
From: Larry Yolak
Date: 10 JAN 2011 12:38 PM
Subject: Re: 2011 Forester @ Faulkner Subaru
Shawn,
Thank you for this helpful list. I quite like the sound of ‘satin white pearl’ as it brings to mind the image of a pirate ship. As a child it was always my dream to be the captain of a rag-tag group of sailors. We would embark on long voyages across the salty sea in search of rare jewels and exotic flowers. With this is mind, ‘satin white pearl’ is a definite contender in my book. Is there a link you can send me of the Forester in this color?
I am also attracted to the sound of ‘paprika red pearl’. I am, however, concerned that the paint may pose a threat to my allergies. At age 13 my entire family came to our house for a grand thanksgiving dinner. It was to be a feast to be remembered, but ended in complete disaster. You see, my mother wanted to surprise the family by marinating the turkey in her special blend of herbs and spices. Baking in the baster at 480 degrees for 5 hours thoroughly impregnated the turkey with the secret seasoning. After a brief argument over who would say grace (my brother, an avid scientologist, caused some disruption) the turkey was distributed amongst the family. Needless to say, paprika was a major ingredient in my mother’s special blend. I spent the entire holiday in the hospital covered in boils that made me look like a disgruntled rhinoceros with a bad case of acne. I assume the ‘paprika red pearl’ paint may have the same effect and thus I would like to avoid it at all costs. If you could send a link to the color mentioned above I would be eternally grateful.
Regards,
Larry
P.S.- I notice you haven’t been writing “sincerely” or “regards” at the end of your emails. I don’t know, I just feel like I’m kinda doing all the work in this relationship. It’s OK, we can work thru this together.
To: Larry Yolak
From: Shawn
Date: 11 JAN 2011 2:51 PM
Subject: Re: 2011 Forester @ Faulkner Subaru
The colors are all listed on the Forester page.
[This is all he wrote. Somebody was wearing their angry pants that day.]
To: Shawn
From: Larry Yolak
Date: 12 JAN 2011 4:33 PM
Subject: Re: 2011 Forester @ Faulkner Subaru
Shawn,
I have used the convenient link you provided me to examine the vehicle in the ‘satin white pearl’ color scheme. I was immediately able to visualize all of my pirate fantasies coming to life. If you will be so kind as to take a look at the picture I have attached and let me know what you think. I currently have both legs but am thinking about removing one like the pirate in the picture. This would allow me to be more authentic while at the same time allowing me to get better parking spots. I googled ‘one legged driving + pirates + pennsylvania’ and found no laws stating that one legged pirates are prohibited from operating motor vehicles.
Regards,
Larry
To: Shawn
From: Larry Yolak
Date: 16 JAN 2011 11:38 PM
Subject: Re: 2011 Forester @ Faulkner Subaru
Shawn,
I haven’t heard from you in a few days, likely because of the long holiday weekend. Did you get a chance to look at the picture I sent to you? I also am slightly concerned as I have heard rumors going around about the Forester. There are some who claim that the vehicle is used predominantly by the lesbian community. Are you aware of anyone saying this? I would appreciate any help you could provide.
Regards,
Larry
To: Larry Yolak
From: Shawn
Date: 17 JAN 2011 10:14 AM
Subject: <No Subject>
Stop emailing me.
To: Shawn
From: Larry Yolak
Date: 17 JAN 2011 3:43 PM
Subject: Re: <No Subject>
No.
